chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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