I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
