I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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