he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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