I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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