I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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