My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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