I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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