how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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