Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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