Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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