is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
