oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
