I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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