I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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