I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
