Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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