you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
