so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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