I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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