he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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