When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dick very happy bro
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
