he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
