remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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