I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
