There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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