He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
