Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
