I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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