seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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