wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
