When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i wish my penis had a tongue
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
