no, he came in my armpit
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize