Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just gargled with NyQuil
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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