No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
