my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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