if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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