i wish peter jackson would direct porn
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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