The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
