May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
