mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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