mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's blow job season.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
