Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
