Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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