yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just found a bag of teeth...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
