So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
