someone owes me an orgasm
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
