I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
