i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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