If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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