I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
