I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
