i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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