I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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