I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
