bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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