i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i think i just lost a toe
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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