I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
