I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You just made me feel so damn special
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
