Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
