My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
