So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
