i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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