i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
