dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
