history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
